


The Beauty of Shattered Hearts

by TheDeviantSentByJericho



Category: Cartoon Therapy (Web Series), Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: ASL, Angst, Angst and Fluff, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is a Little Shit, Because you lot deserve some representation too, But unlike Virgil he isn't trying to protect them with his behavior and has no incentive to change, Dissociation, Doesn't mean he's evil though, Domestic Fluff, Dormant, Emile Picani Is A Good Dad, Emoji Pronouns, Fluff, Gen, Genderfluid Sleep | Remy Sanders, He's a sweetheart really he's just not good at it, He's also a persecutor, Hurt/Comfort, I love nem, I'm Not Apologizing, I'm going into this with no idea what I'm doing, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, Kinda u!remus, M/M, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Sweetheart, Multiplicity/Plurality, Naga Deceit | Janus Sanders, Nonbinary Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Nonbinary Logic | Logan Sanders, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Persecutor!Virgil, Protector!Virgil, Remy Sanders Is A Good Dad, Self-Harm, Sign Language, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Sympathetic Sides (Sanders Sides), Virgil has so many sets of pronouns, We love him though, and he gets some healing, duh - Freeform, he does their best, it's a dissociative disorder, it/its pronouns, no beta we die like thomas in svs redux, or was before he went, wow these tags are getting long
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:40:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28093311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDeviantSentByJericho/pseuds/TheDeviantSentByJericho
Summary: Remy and Emile Picani adopted Thomas knowing he wouldn't be a normal child.They didn't expect 'Thomas' to be multiple people, all with some of their own degree of brokenness.But that only means there's more to love.
Relationships: Dr. Emile Picani/Sleep | Remy Sanders
Comments: 46
Kudos: 116





	1. a little truth, a little lies

When Emile and Remy Picani had adopted a child, they'd expected, well. A child.

Not, "Four of us," Thomas- _Roman-_ said, staring Emile down, fidgeting. Emile nodded slowly. He'd heard of multiplicity, of course- he _was_ a therapist- but he hadn't expected Thomas to be one of them. Four of them?

"Okay." He said. "What should I know about your system and how to help you?"

Roman started in his seat. "Oh! You really want to know?"

"Of course," Emile nodded, smiling gently. 

"Well, of the four of us, Logan doesn't really 'front' much? He takes care of some of our homework but mostly they just,,, keep things running! A manager, of sorts. It's the smart one. Patton's the sweet one: always making sure we're all okay, checking in on everyone, even **them.** " Roman's face darkened at the mention of the mysterious 'them'. "And there's me, of course!" Roman made a little bow in his seat. " _I_ am the important one!"

_**Sure,** Princey._

_Hush, sir-sulks-a-lot!_

His dad raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything. Roman blushed a little. "By which, I mean to say, I am the one responsible for both our creative and physical pursuits. Especially acting." 

Emile smiled encouragingly. "And what about this 'them' you've mentioned? What do they do?"

Roman scowled. "Nothing _useful,_ that's for certain! They're always so _negative!_ Not to mention they hurt the rest of us! They are a right creepy cookie, a negative nancy, a-" Emile held up a hand, stopping him in his tracks. "It doesn't sound like you're all that fond of this part."

"Of course I'm not!" Roman exclaimed. "They do _this!"_

He reached out, and before Emile could blink, he yanked up his shirt to reveal numerous cuts and scars. Emile winced. Most of them were old, and clearly mementoes of the abuse he'd- they'd- been through before they'd come to Emile and his husband. But some of them were different. Newer. The cuts themselves weren't even visible, but blood seeped through some of the bandages. 

Emile was not surprised, per se. Just,,, Sad. 

"Do you know why they do that?" He asked, doing his best to stay calm.

Roman looked at him like he was stupid. "Of course I don't! And I can't keep them from fronting either-"

_Yeah, if you could I'd never get a chance._

_Of course you wouldn't! You are so- You do **this!** If I could keep you from existing altogether, I'd jump at the chance._

_Yeah, well, me too._

Roman was angrily preparing a response to his headmate's perceived threat when he realized his dad was trying to talk to him. "-an? Roman, are you okay?" 

He blinked, nodded. His head felt slow, the world distant, as if walking through a dream. "Yeah, I'm fine Dad. Sorry."

"Do you need a second?"

 _Yes._ "No, we're okay."

_We?_

_Shut up._

Emile didn't buy it. "I just have two more questions, and then you can go lay down, okay?" He said, calmly. "What are everyone's pronouns, and more importantly, am I allowed to tell Remy?"

Roman nodded. "I use he/him and prince/prince, along with a set of crown emojis. Any gendered terms are fine, but I think of myself as a boy. Er. Patton uses he/him, and Logan likes he, they and it. And **they** haven't told us anything about them, but they don't seem to object to they/them. We've nicknamed them Anxiety too,,, If anyone would know it'd be Patton, I guess. He keeps trying to _befriend_ the villain." He put his head in his hands for a second, trying to remember the second question. "Umm,"

**_NO!_ **

Anxiety practically screamed the word, and it fell out of their body's mouth like a sack of bricks. " **No.** If you tell **anyone,** I will find you and I will destroy you _both,_ I swear it." 

Emile blinked for a second, taken aback, before he realized. "I would never, not without your permission. I promise you that." 

They growled. They'd had enough experiences with broken promises to last them a lifetime, forgive them if they didn't want any more. "Anxiety, I take it?" 

They crossed their arms stiffly. "Sure, we'll go with that."

Emile extended a hand, smiling. "Nice to meet you for real, Anxiety," 

It was not taken. "You know, they talked about telling you for _days._ " they hissed. "And you know who they forgot to consult? _Me._ Probably because they knew that I am not as _naïve._ They trust you. And they are _fools_ for it." They stood, their small, 17-year-old body seeming suddenly threatening as they stepped towards Emile. "But ungrateful fools they may be, they are _my_ ungrateful fools, and if you hurt them, I will hurt _you."_ They were far too close for comfort at this point. "You understand?"

Carefully, gently, Emile placed one of his hands over Anxiety's and met their gaze evenly. "I won't."

Anxiety scoffed, but turned away. "Wait!" Emile called after them. They paused, but didn't look back.

"Have I, have we, ever made you feel like we were going to hurt you?" his voice was soft, almost vulnerable.

A sharp inhale, a slow exhale. "No. But that doesn't mean that you won't."

And then they were gone.


	2. a little hope, a little faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> who do it be? i suppose we shall see
> 
> on a positive note, remy chapter!
> 
> on a negative note, it's really short and kinda ooc, i wanted to get an update done but just didn't have any actual ideas 
> 
> so
> 
> we ended up with a filler chapter that is somehow _pure plot_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just for clarification, thomas is their body's name, and it's used here to represent all of them, or when it's unknown who's fronting, or there's a mix or whatever.
> 
> they use he/they pronouns collectively too :)

Emile, frankly, wasn't sure what to do. The next few days passed fairly normally, and that...

That left him uncertain.

Everything was the same, as if Emile's world hadn't been shaken completely. 

Remy had tried to get him to talk about what was bothering him, but it wasn't his place to share. After all, he of all people knew how important it was not to out someone before they were ready.

"Okay, I understand," Remy said. "Want to watch some cartoons and just cuddle for a bit?"

"That sounds nice."

A few hours and Steven Universe episodes later, Emile was fast asleep, head resting against Remy's shoulder. Remy smiled gently and carefully hefted his husband into his arms. Pausing to see if he'd wake up, Emile just snuggled closer, a soft snore-grunt escaping him as Remy settled him into their bed. It wasn't very late, but Remy considered staying with him for a bit.

Work called, though. He had a coffee shop to run, and while all the paperwork could be done from home, it still needed to be done. Plus, he didn't feel very good about just leaving Thomas on his own for the day. As independent as the kid was, he was still a kid, and Remy was his dad. 

Which is why he dropped everything when he heard the crash from upstairs.

Thomas was standing in his room, looking around as if he'd never seen it before. 

"Are you alright?" 

Thomas glanced up, a strange smile plastered on his face. "Oh, absolutely splendid, dad, I simply knocked over something on my dresser," he swept his hand to indicate a pile of clothes that Remy was pretty sure had been folded this morning. He raised an eyebrow, concerned. "Are you sure, Thomas? Because I heard a thud from downstairs and I don't think that would make it."

"I... that was me. It surprised me and I fell over," laughing sheepishly, Thomas rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm fine though, no need to worry." 

Something seemed off, but Remy didn't know what his gut was indicating or how- or _if_ he should broach the subject. Emile would probably know. "Okay then, just let your other dad or I know if there's anything we can do?"

Carefully picking the bundle back out and spreading them out on the bed, Thomas saluted at him. "Will do, dad." 

Remy grabbed a fresh coffee as he headed back downstairs. He'd need it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: this fic is not intended to be an accurate depiction of plurality in any way please do not take it as such (though if you relate to it, please do share and/or vibe with that, we're proud of you)


	3. a little change, a little patience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I finally figured out what I was doing in the last chapter
> 
> That being said it's just musing, there's no actual plot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw for hints at u!remus? Kinda? Not really but kinda idk. he's also not actually in this but he's referenced,,, also references to past abuse and dormancy

Janus had a purpose.

Roman had a calling, Patton had a passion, Logan had a skill, Anxiety had a job, Remus had a reason, and Janus had a purpose.

Well, at this point, he had a few.

At first, his job had been simple. 

He'd lied.

During their abuse, he'd tried to protect them by playing to their abusers, even though he knew they were wrong. Where Virgil had protected them with fight and flight, Janus had protected them with lies.

When it was over, when they were _safe_ , he stopped fronting entirely, and spent his full attention on his other purpose. 

When Logan was in front working on a test, he kept Roman from distracting him. When Patton was playing and caring and helping them achieve their rare moments of true happiness and healing, Janus kept Anxiety and Logan silent. He was the one who made sure Roman couldn't lock Anxiety away from front- and probably existence in general too, if Anxiety didn't already live in another layer with Janus and Remus and rarely came "upstairs" as they called it- and he was the one who made sure Anxiety _didn't_ front in their most destructive moments.

After Remus split off from Roman, shortly after they were saved, Janus had another purpose, adjacent to the other. 

Keep Remus contained.  
And keep Remus safe.

Remus was... Tricky. He didn't _mean_ to hurt anyone, he couldn't help it, but it didn't change the fact that he did. 

Fortunately, he didn't seem to care particularly much about fronting, but that just meant the internal damage was more severe.

Pranks taken too far and jokes and "fun facts" about things they found triggering was something of a staple in Remus' brand of existence. Everyone except Janus and Logan found themselves triggered by his contributions, even Roman, Remus' twin brother (don't ask how it worked, he couldn't give you an answer) so Janus had decided to take the rather chaotic part under his wing.

Janus found him endearing, in an odd way. Remus was honest, and he looked at things in a rather interesting way. They were something close to friends, as close as prisoner and warden could be. 

Recently, Remus had disappeared, only to be found days later, unrousable, if alive, and Janus hadn't fronted in a year and a half. So it was no surprise when Roman had decided against mentioning the two of them when 'coming out' to Emile. 

Janus cursed quietly as he surveyed their room.

It had been building for a long while. Their system needed a stable host, someone to take care of everyday things and exist in front the majority of the time. No one was sure who it should be, but a strange feeling had been building and now Janus stood, fully in the body, and he had a clinging feeling he'd need to add "host" to his list of purposes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't @ me bro I don't know what I'm doing
> 
> I wrote this at midnight too and there was no editing so


	4. a little pain, a little kindness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> emile is a good dad.
> 
> virgil is a scared child.
> 
> progress is made, even when it doesn't seem like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> virgil uses he/him, they/them, nigh/night, hey/hem, and ne/nem pronouns in this fic btw! I'll try and show them all, though I do have a soft spot for nigh/night pronouns, since they're a set i coined, and they/them, since they're the set i use XD
> 
> tws for self-harm and blood in this chapter, and there are some positive/glorifying thoughts from a character about their own self-harm

It turned out that their assumption that Janus would become their new- and first- host was absolutely correct. Which was rather irritating, in Virgil's opinion, one that it seemed likely for the others to agree with.

When they were alone, Emile had taken to asking who was fronting, and referring to each part as themselves. Treating them as their own people, as if they were all real and valid and _whole_ , even though they weren't.

Virgil had to admit it was incredibly validating, especially since for some reason, Emile didn't seem to judge or hate him, which was odd. He wasn't scared of him either, and Virgil didn't know how to feel about that, not really. The only people who weren't frightened of him where Remus (who frightened _Virgil_ instead), their previous abusers, and Janus. 2/3 were threats. Frankly, so was Janus. He just usually kept Virgil contained and acted nice, as opposed to actually outright hurting him or anyone else in their system.

So, it seemed almost certain that Emile would _also_ be a threat. It's not like they had ever given him a reason to protect them, or even just to not treat them like a torture doll.

But Emile didn't seem like a threat.

And Virgil wanted to believe they were safe.

They just,,, _couldn't._

For all his love and care, Emile _had_ attempted to get Virgil clean from self-harm. It didn't work, really. Especially in the inner world. But they _had_ seen and heard the way it affected the rest of the system, so they did their best to try and stop hurting the body, at least, except for when things got really overwhelming and/or dissociated for them, and Virgil felt like they had no other choice, or defaulted without thinking.

It was one of those times now.

They were leaning over the sink, staring at the face in the mirror, so wrong, so _not them_ , all brown hair and soft frame and wrong, wrong **_wrong!_** Blood covered their arms and hands, the red liquid on white marble and light skin beautiful, in a morbid way. The pain was the only thing tying Virgil to reality, and the only thing keeping their headmates' voices out of nir head. 

Ironic, wasn't it?

Pain pushed Virgil to the front. At first, it was just so that ne could take it, so the others wouldn't have to. Now though? Ne caused it. Just for some silence. Just to get them to stop insulting nem for a _moment_.

Ne just wanted to be alone for a moment. To pretend.

Pretend that ne wasn't hurting them. Pretend that they hadn't been hurt. Pretend that the biggest thing ne had to worry about was blood loss from controlled wounds. 

Pretend that ne had control over anything at all.

Against nighs best efforts, a sob still managed to fight its way from nighs chest.

There was a knock at the door. 

"Patton?" Emile inquired. Oh yeah. Patton had fronted earlier, until he'd encountered something online that upset him and 'positively' triggered Virgil to front. They'd never informed Emile of the switch, so of course he assumed they were the same. Virgil scowled as he rushed to clean up. "Anxiety, actually."

A pause.

Nigh probably shouldn't have said that. Dad was probably all concerned and shit. Which was warranted and correct, but still. Not fun.

"Thanks for telling me," the adult said at last. "Remy is out, and I just wanted to see if you wanted to come grab some food? The stuff Patton helped start earlier is ready, and I figured you'd want some."

"And talk to you? Probably about feelings or some shit? Hell no. Why would I want to do _that?_ "

"You don't have to talk if you don't want to, and I don't want to make you talk about things you aren't ready for even if you do, as much as it would be nice to hear your opinions on things," Emile reminded gently. "We don't even have to sit in the same room, if people watching you eat makes you uncomfortable. I know you don't totally trust me yet, and that's okay. I just want to help _you_ be okay, as your legal guardian."

Virgil took a moment, just staring at the marble sink, now perfectly clean of any traces of blood.

Ne opened the door.

"Fine," hey said. "But no talking, got it?" Emile nodded, not hiding a smile.


	5. a little mystery, a little insight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if the last chapter seemed to end abruptly, it's because it was intended to be longer, i just had to leave the laptop unattended and hit post before finishing lol
> 
> consider this something of a 4.5 since i'm too lazy to edit the original chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> graphic asl in this chapter (by which i mean, the signs are described, not that they say anything explicit lol. i'm learning asl, not fluent, so if i screwed up and anyone reading this is a fluent signer please, _please_ correct me

Patton's cooking _was_ incredibly good. Generally speaking, Virgil only ever got to try the occasional cookies their caretaker dropped off in the Dark Side, as they called the separate mindscape where Virgil and Janus lived. Nigh didn't generally front enough to try it in the body, but the lingering pain from their arms was enough to keep night grounded and alone.

As promised, Emile didn't try and speak to night, only humming proudly when nigh chose to curl up in a purple bean bag in the far corner of the room instead of leaving.

Nigh had only chosen the bean bag because it allowed night to keep an eye on the cheerful adult, but nigh wasn't about to tell him that.

Emile had only bought the bean bag for Virgil after their first meeting, but he wasn't about to tell them that.

Eventually, seeing that their dad wasn't about to make a move against them, and none of their headmates were going to spring out and yank them away from front, Virgil accidentally relaxed. Just a little. Just enough.

They sighed, staring into their mostly empty bowl. 

Emile glanced up, concerned, but kept his promise and said nothing.

Virgil had dropped the bowl on the ground, their hands moving in fierce and repetitive motions as they frowned, body just open enough to allow the motions. Fist with thumb extended, pulled down and away from the face. Both hands bent and flat, pushing together in front of the chest. Repeat. 

It seemed familiar for some reason. Emile frowned, watching, trying to figure out the oddly specific patterns. _ASL?_

Blinking, he tried to remember what he'd learned in college a few years ago. _NOT EQUAL_? 

_< NOT FAIR.>_

Again and again and again.

Anxiety's eyes were closed. Emile wasn't sure if they even knew they were signing. 

He wasn't sure what to do. Should he try and talk to them? Or leave them be? 

They cleared trusted him, even just a little, but did they trust him enough? 

Emile reached out and lightly touched Anxiety on the shoulder. 

Immediately, the kid sprung up, hissing, yanking themself backwards into a crouch, eyes scanning the room before settling on Emile. 

<A-N-X-I-E-T-Y?> Emile asked, letters clumsy and the T almost being signed as R before he corrected himself. <YOU O-K?>

Anxiety seemed confused. <YOU, I>

Straightening, they pointed to themself, then formed a flat handshape and touching themself in the chest with their thumb in a small double motion. <I FINE.>

They moved to leave, but paused at the door, glancing back at a confused and concerned Emile. <I> they formed their left hand into an A shape, moved it in a small circle over their chest. <SORRY.>

And then they were gone.


	6. a little blurry, a little warm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in my defence, i don't know how to write parents

Janus rubbed his head. None of the words on the page in front of him made any sense, and his head hurt, though that was probably an issue caused more by the bickering in the back of his mind, not because of the homework itself. 

Remy glanced over from her comic book. "Tough stuff?" She asked, sympathetic. Grunting, Janus put down the pencil and sighed. "It is simply not working right at the moment. My head feels all foggy." 

Nodding, Remy stood and walked over. 'Want some help, or do you think taking a break would be better? Or both." 

Attempting to consider, Janus felt slow. When had the voices of the others receded? Blinking, he nodded. "I think a break would be a good idea. I'm sure my head will feel a little clearer later."

Concerned, but used to it, Remy nodded. She'd had her own experiences with trauma and dissociation- not that she'd bring them up unless asked, or if it would be helpful- and would most certainly not be surprised if Thomas was struggling more than he let on. Quite the opposite.

"Want me to grab you something? You're a bit young for coffee still, but do you want some tea or anything?"

"mm," Thomas rocked backwards in his chair. "Tea would be nice, if it's not too much trouble." 

"Course not." Remy smiled softly. When she was on her way back a few minutes later with two steaming mugs of golden liquid, she spotted Thomas' headphones curled up neatly on a table. She slid them over with one of the cups. Thomas was rocking slightly in place, eyes unfocused. "Here," she said, softly. "I brought your headphones too- music can be pretty grounding, in my experience."

Nodding vaugly, Thomas took them, plugged them into his laptop. "Thanks," he said, voice and movements slow. He stared at the screen a bit before pulling up an hour loop of "Mother Mother - It's Alright,". Inwardly Remy grinned. _Good choice._

"Do you want me to help you with grounding or let you ride it out?"

The question was a little advanced for Janus' current mental state. Normally he would probably have gone all for grounding- he hated the idea of not being clear-headed, not being quick, sly, in control- and he knew he should have been upset to be in this state. But the thing is, he couldn't feel that. Feeling numb was pretty inherent in dissociation, and at least this time it was a pleasant numbness, warmth radiating from the song and from his parent's prescence. "'m fine," he said, at last. 

"Alright," said Remy, curling up again on the couch right next to him. She wasn't going to leave him. 

Later, Janus didn't know how long, but Remy would have said around 10 minutes, the teenager closed the laptop and swayed over to Remy, who embraced him fully. 

He was safe. They were safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you tell we've never had someone physically help us when i'm dissociating?


	7. a little fear, a little revealed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so you know how remy has been blissfully-oblivious-but-also-suspicious this entire time? yeah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for: discussions of self-harm, swearing, a wee bit dissociation, panicked thoughts without proper punctuation, roman being a bit of a dick
> 
> as a side note, i'm not classing their system as osdd anymore  
> yet another did fic? yes indeedy. there's no other way to explain their lack of knowledge about virgil's name and stuff 
> 
> that being said, we don't have did, so take this as a grain of salt  
> we're not a singlet either, but y'know

Janus knew something was up when there came a knock on the door and the voice of Remy echoed through it, gentler than normal. "May I come in, Thomas? I need to talk to you about something important."

_He's going to kick us out we screwed up we screwed up he hates us they hate us we did bad we-_

**_Anxiety!_ **Janus knew Virgil's true name, of course, but he wasn't about to share it without permission. _We don't know anything yet. Perhaps he simply wants to talk to us about a trip, or something else that's harmless. I know you're doing your best, but panicking won't help us right now._

He could feel Virgil's reluctance and irritation, but the persecutor-protector said nothing.

Roman, on the other hand, seemed to scowl. _How do you get him to listen to you like that? Wait, no, of course you can, snake-charmer, emphasis on the **snake** -_

Janus sighed. 👑 didn't mean it, he knew, 👑 was just almost as worried as Virgil was. It was still difficult to refrain from lashing back. _Nāga, actually._

He was distracted from his internal thoughts by another rap at the door. "Thomas? Are you in there? It would be real embarrassing if I were talking to an empty room-" Remy attempted to laugh.

"Apologies," Janus said, opening the door. "What did you want to discuss?"

Remy sighed and shut the door behind him, holding up a black long-sleeved shirt. "Now, it's rather dark fabric, but I did notice while I was doing the laundry that there are a few patches that seem a lot like dried blood. Are you okay?"

_Fuck._

Janus wasn't sure who'd sworn. It might have been him. It might have been all of them. ~~Probably excluding Patton.~~

 _What do we tell him?_ asked Janus.

 _Oh no of course it would be this!! We just have to pretend it's something else. Uhhh what would leave a stain like that that isn't suspicious? Logan?_ fretted Roman.

 _Perhaps paint,_ Logan said, unable to resist a question. _But are we sure lying is the best choice here?_

 _What do you mean?_ responded Janus.

 _Lying is wrong!_ Patton said. _No offence, Janus. But we don't **need** to lie, so we shouldn't!_

 _I'm not one to comment on morality,_ said Logan, calmly. _But perhaps they could help, if our secrets were out in the open. It's not like our therapist is doing much to assist us in this._

 _Mmm... If I didn't know you better I'd say that was a burn, Logan,_ Janus couldn't resist the temptation to tease. _But understood. Anxiety, what do you think?_

Honestly, he was expecting something firm and negative and protective. Why would it be anything different? 

But instead, he was met with a sigh.

 _Logan isn't wrong. I... I don't think they can help. But. I..._ they seemed hesitant, unsure. Janus waited, patient. _I don't think we have any good options here. So. Go ahead, I guess._

_How much may I tell them?_

To his surprise, Virgil responded again. _Other than my name... All of it. If you want. It's fine with me. Well, it's not, but I'm... I'm tired of trying to protect you all. You don't seem to care, anyway. I do more harm than good it seems._

Janus almost forgot how to speak, something quite strange for him. But his- and the others'- calls to their headmate went unanswered. 

"Thomas? Do you want me to get Emile for you?"

Shaking his head, Janus blinked. "I-"

He took a deep breath, clenching the blankets in his hands. **Truth and lies** , he told himself. **That's your job. You can do this.** "Well, they're from self-harm, but you already know that much

"The part you probably didn't know is that my name isn't Thomas." His eyes met Remy's, and saw compassion and interest there.

"I'm Janus. The headmate who made those marks won't tell us their name, but they've been nicknamed Anxiety. Any questions?"


	8. a little fear, a little relief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's did awareness day so have some awareness about their did

"Is this what Emile was keeping from me?" Remy asked lightly.

Janus shrugged. "Mostly, yes, but in all truth, he doesn't know everything."

A familiar face looked into the room, eyes curious and smile soft. "What don't I know?" 

_May I?_

A wave of concerned annoyance from Roman, with some self-hatred thrown in for flavour. _I guess._

"Hello, Emile," greeted Janus. "I'm Janus, our host. I don't believe Roman told you about me?"

Honestly, saying Janus was the one saying that was a bit of a stretch. Everyone was heavily co-conscious (except Remus, of course), and that lead to some difficulty telling who was who! Thinking about it, they would guess they'd already started to switch. They all hated these switches. There wasn't as much dissociation, but there was so much blurring and mixing of consciousnesses- it was incredibly uncomfortable. Typically, Janus would throw everyone out, clear the air so to speak, but in this case it seemed like everyone deserved to be present. Anxiety, however, was a lot closer than the others.

"I don't believe he did," said Emile easily. "If you want to introduce yourself, that would be wonderful, but you don't owe anyone information about your system. Including us."

"You're not angry?" Janus may still have been (mostly) fronting, but the words, fragile as they were, came from Anxiety.

Emile shook his head and sat down next to his spouse.. "Absolutely not."

"We're glad you trust us enough to tell us," said Remy. "But as Emile said, you don't owe us personal information."

They smiled, and promptly began to cry, the relief of a lifetime in fear being lifted. They were safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is unrelated but open up your eyes is way too badass a song for my little pony

**Author's Note:**

> i should probably leave a note of some kind here but uh  
> not sure what to say
> 
> please leave comments?


End file.
